1.8.13

When happiness gets in the way

So it's really late at night and I can't sleep. My brain is whirling and I can't think straight so this might be a bit of a jumble. Recently I've felt a little lost, like I'm trying to swim and I'm just drowning. Not in a way that things are getting too much for me or life is going bad in any way because its not, life is amazing at the moment! I have a absolutely brilliant boyfriend who is just...no words can describe how happy I am and blessed I feel to have him. My family is wonderful and with a little brother on the way I'm just excited all the time! I have a brilliant job that I love and the most amazing friends in work and out of work. So iv been a little confused as to why I feel so dazed and confused. 
Earlier on today I was looking through my old sketch books and diarys and it hit me. I'm happy. For the first time in my life I am truly happy. And it makes me feel lost. Which is just weird!! All my life I have had something that has been "wrong". Some things that were huge and some that were just stupid teenage things that seemed massive at the time, but I've never been truly happy. It's such a strange feeling. Iv grown so accustomed to have something "wrong" with me. It was kinda my thing. People would ask me if I was okay and the answer pretty much always was no. I hardly ever smiled and when I did it was usually fake. I loved to be on my own and wallow in my own self pity, I didn't want help from anyone and everything sort of spun out of control until my mum stepped in and made me go to counselling. Which I really didn't like her for, but in hind sight was probably the best thing she ever did for me! But I liked being like that (at the time). I wrote poems and songs that were angry and hateful, I wrote pages of diary shouting at the world and telling everyone to just fuck off!! My art was dark and morbid, my doodles where of demons I imagined living in my head and everything was black and gray with no hope. And it was good. I look back on those things and I think 'bloody hell you depressed crazy person, but my god your artistic-ness was was out of this world!' And that is my problem! 
For 23 years I have had this dark, morbid shadow following me around that made me really good at what I was already pretty good at. In school my art was dark and full of meaning and my teachers thought it was brilliant (even if they were a little worried for my sanity). I had the whole 'tortured soul' thing going on and that is how my creative side developed and evolved. But now I am all of a sudden utterly happy and I have no idea what to do with it. I have no idea how to be happy. I can't see those demons anymore, and I can't think of those foul hurtful words to scratch into a diary. And I am lost. I am lost in a sea of happiness and my creative boat is sinking. And I'm kinda bummed about it.

Don't get me wrong, I love being happy, I am in love with my happiness and I hope and pray I stay happy for the rest of my days. But I can't pick up a pencil now and just bust out a dead corpse holding its own heart while the blood drips down his arm (and that's one of the more tamer ones!) I feel like an X-Men who has had her powers taken away from her, I've lost my gift. And now I have to re-learn my gift. My creative-ness has taken a major blow, and because its a major part who I am and how I think about things and how I go about doing things, my whole kinda life structure has just sort of collapsed all around me. I have no direction or clear line to follow anymore, I'm just sort of floating in the middle of everything and its all noise. My boss has even noticed that iv lost my way a little bit and we are trying to figure out a way I can get back on things. But now I have realised what it is, I'm so determined to harness this new me and make everything so much more than it was. My art will never be the same as it was, and I think that was half the problem. I was clinging on to the past and not letting my actions and thoughts evolve along with my feelings and my heart.
I am happy. I am so happy and there is no reason for that to stop me accomplishing everything I want to. It should never have stopped me in the first place! So from this moment on I'm going to let go of all that darkness that I thought was essential for me to be me and just...be. Happy. 

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