27.12.11

My New Years resolution thingies

I have never been one to make New Years reselutions but that might be becuase there is no way I will keep them. I love chocolate and I hate running. So to save disappointment, I just dont. This year feels different though. I dont nessicerialy want to make reselutions but I do want to make some goals to work towards.

This year, I wont lie, has been the worst. So many things have gone wrong and not many things have gone right. I never really blogged about my pops being sick. I think because it was such a stressful time and my blog was somewhere I wanted to come to just forget it all for a few minutes each day. At the same time pops was sick Nana was sick too. It was a mess. The two people who mean everything to me suddenly needed me more than I needed them and it was so hard. I had no idea how to handle it but I knew that I needed to be the strong person they needed. I regret now how I handled the situation, and with hindsight I could of done so many things differently. I was so focused on my pops and nana that I completely ignored everyone else in my life and in doing so I lost someone very dear to me and I almost lost my best friend. I was like a speeding train, set on a goal of making everything better for dad and nana, that I saw nothing else and everything just shot right by me till it was too late. I remember just breaking down one day after everything was better. I just took a break and everything suddenly crashed on me. I cried for hours, for the fear that I had felt with dad, for the stress of the situation, for the anger that this had happened to a great man, for the bone tiredness I felt, for the loved ones I lost and for the selfishness I felt for crying about myself. Don't get me wrong I never regret putting my family first. Not ever. My family is everything to me, but I know now that I put far to much responsibility on my own shoulders and I wouldn't let anyone help me. Then before I knew it the year was almost over and I couldn't remember any of it outside of looking after dad and nana.

So my goal this year is to let people in. Let people help me through tough situations (I pray there are non, but just in case) and the good ones. I want to share my responsibilities and my situations with those that want to share them with me. I have spent far to long thinking I had to do everything by myself. I don't. And I know there are so many people just wishing I would let them in and share my life with them.

Also this year I want to have fun. I'm in my last year of uni. I'm young and I have no proper commitments. I spend way too long looking to the future and worrying about this and that. Will I find a house? What job will I get? Will I find a boyfriend? Will I get married? Really stupid things that I really shouldn't worry or even be thinking about! And I've always thought that if you stop looking and trying to make it happen what you want will just happen and things will fall into place. That's not to say you shouldn't work for what you want but just don't obsess over it. I need to stop obsessing!

So I suppose me 'resolutions' are to be more open and just enjoy life. cant be too hard can it...

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